"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
