I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
