Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
