i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
