WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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