it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
