I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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