I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
