The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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