so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
