sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
