i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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