I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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