I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
