Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
