you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you inspire me to be a worse person
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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