Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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