I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
