I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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