1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
