Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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