I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
