i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
