If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
me + whiskey = a bad person
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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