i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
