so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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