So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
