thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
