It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
