We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Watching her eat just hurts me
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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