Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i out mim tonsoeep
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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