You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
