it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
