You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
