u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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