if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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