How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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