ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
