If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
