Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
