Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
