The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need to calm my uterus...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
