dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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