I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
