At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
