Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
