All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
