he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
