I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
