Your face is a jimmy john
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
