Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
